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Kintsugi

I know that I am broken,

But many disagree.

They say that I am bent, 

Under pressure, but still me.

I think they just don’t get it.

They don’t understand. 

I know that I am broken, 

But this is not my end. 

Sand down that edge there,

And fill in that small crack. 

Glue it all together 

And find that I am back.

My appearance may have changed,

Maybe even my purpose. 

But, I am only reinvented, 

Which is not the same as worthless. 

I know that I am broken, 

And I will be fixed again. 

I wonder, this time, 

What form I will be in…

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Won’t Feel It

Hang me up and cut me down

Do what you can do

You have delivered so much pain

It’s what I expect from you

Sling your stones and break my bones

Make me feel despair

I am worthless in your eyes

But I no longer care

You pushed too far, tipped me over

My world flipped upside down

You left me lost and grasping

Now know what I found

You twist the truth and tell me lies

But I know this much is true

I am leaving, I have realized

I am better without you

Creating Wonderland (Part 2)

Fight or Flight

Instincts kicking in

Flight, not Fight

Don’t think I can win

Flight, not Fight

Nowhere can I run

Fight, not Flight

Face what was done

Fight, not Flight

Better won’t arrive

Fight, not Flight

Not unless we try

Take me to Wonderland, please

A place I know makes sense to me

For I don’t believe in fairytales

But everyone’s a liar

 

Take me to Wonderland, please

Where people live by what they believe

For I am trying to be true to me

But everyone’s given up

 

Take me to Wonderland, please

A place where misfits find release

For I am scared to be myself

But everyone wears masks

 

Take me to Wonderland, please

Where chaos is embraced, you see

For society is ever more controlled

And nobody can breathe

 

Take me to Wonderland, please

A place that I do long to be

For I’ve already left and gone

But, nobody’s all here

 

Take me to Wonderland, please

A place where good and bad find peace

Because both struggle inside of my

And everybody’s heart

 

Take me to Wonderland, please

A place that makes no sense, you see

For I know Life’s unfair, crazy

But everyone’s a denier

You =/= Me

I need you to know that I’m not you.

I have my own feelings and point of view.

I have my own demons and my own faults.

I have my own secrets in my own vault.

I live my own story, shoulder my own strife.

I make my own mistakes, fight my own fights.

I earn my own wisdom, believe my own truth.

I need you to know that I’m not you.

The scary thing about rock bottom is it doesn’t exist.

You can always fall further, find a new, deeper pit.

But, perhaps this realization shouldn’t hope stop.

For, if there’s no bottom, is there a top?

Shock

A strong, cold bite started in my wrist. It jolted up my arm into my eyes. My legs shook. My breathing picked up. I clenched my left hand, focusing, trying to stop this change. It did not help. My left arm tightened with a strength I didn’t know I had. My right arm joined the rest of my body in shaking uncontrollably. My calm began to drain as black pooled into my vision. I could see the ceiling tiles. I could hear the gurney rattling under me. I could still feel the stabbing pain in my wrist. But, it was as if it was all from very far away. My consciousness retreated to the back of my skull, only aware of echoes of the real world. It sat there, calm, unaffected, as anxiety chilled my body. As if outside on a cold day, my body was becoming numb. Everything began to slide further away, as if but a dream. A comfortable dark called out to me. A calm. A peace.

Not Rock Bottom

My control slipped out from under my mind. I tripped. The world spun. I saw everything, yet nothing. A black haze blurred the edges of the room. A primal beast rushed into my head from deep within the pit of my stomach. I felt strong and mean and beautiful and terrifying. A thin, misplaced smile splashed across my face, tugging painfully at my cheeks. A cruel laugh burst from my lungs, echoing around me too well. I was no longer. And yet, worst of all, I was still there. The last shreds of sanity clung on desperately. My consciousness was pushed to the back of my skull, shivering in terror, crying from hopelessness. I was trapped by this horror in my own head, where all my fears and secrets bury themselves in my memories, slicing through the past like a hot knife through butter. Joy and pain swirled in my head, dizzying and distracting. A deep hum grew in my ears. The shadows pressed in upon me. I breathed deeply, suffocating, gasping. I clawed at the floor, trying to climb out of the deep pit in my heart. The madness grew as the last of me struggled against the monster. I was asleep and awake, afraid and dumbly courageous. I fought back the demons but pleaded for them to finish me. The loud storm in my head made me desire silence, only silence; yet, some previously-unknown speck of self-preservation kept that heavenly release from me. Suddenly, the world snapped back into place. Reality swept down upon me with a cutting sharpness. And I was broken again. I sluggishly trudged through the labyrinth of my mind, distancing myself from that dangerous corner. Another place to avoid. Another thing to fear. I had hoped that madness would bring relief from this painful clarity. But, in that brief moment, I realized the awful, awful truth. Madness was only worse. I was not at the bottom. There was more to fear in the depths than in this melancholy hell. This was not the worst. I had thought this was the lowest it would go. I had thought this was too much to bear. But, hidden evils that would certainly break me glided just under the surface, peering hungrily up at me. Frightened, my focus fled, running from that truth.

Peace

She bent down tenderly, carefully. As if not to spill the ideas swimming in her head. Her brush feathered the canvas ever so slightly. Her grace and care surrounded her like an aura. People came in a flood around her, but she was untouched. A stone unaffected by the waterfall. Her eyes were concentrated, but calm. The peace of the moment stretching across her face. She was at peace. She was beautiful.

Soma

I take a deep breath. In. Out. In. Out. I suck in forgetfulness. I exhale into escape. My thoughts slow and stop. The buzzing fills my skull. Like a bundle of life about to explode. The past is gone. The future will be what it will. Que Sera Sera. I look out into the moment. This one. Right in front of me. And it is beautiful. This is where I belong. Here. Now. Troubles cannot penetrate my thoughts. I float through emotions like clouds in the sky. Warm and fuzzy, but cooling and calming. I am at home. Every decision is easy. Every choice seems right. Every action seems fated to be. I marvel at the world and love it. It is so perfect, so gorgeous. I cannot imagine anything more precious. I smile to myself. I drift asleep…